THE KJP MANIFESTO
10 promises. Zero PR team. 100% intent to mildly inconvenience CJP. We accept we are kachra — but atleast we're honest kachra, not pretending to be warriors.
- 0101 · FREE 5G IN EVERY NAALA
Kyunki even cockroaches deserve better signal to cry online. CJP supporters will finally afford bandwidth for their daily rants.
- 0202 · COPE HARDER CERTIFICATES
Official unemployment dole, signed by Dabba Singh. Frame karke basement mein lagao, next to your participation trophy.
- 0303 · LIFETIME CHAPPAL SUPPLY
Every citizen above 12 gets a state-issued Hawaii chappal. Cockroach control made affordable for the aam aadmi.
- 0404 · RESERVATIONS FOR WORKING PEOPLE
Reserved seats in Parliament for plumbers, chaiwalas, autowalas. ZERO seats for WhatsApp University graduates and Twitter generals.
- 0505 · 'BETA PADH LE' AS NATIONAL ANTHEM
Sung every morning by mothers across India. CJP supporters will finally be motivated to open a book instead of a meme app.
- 0606 · NAALA BEAUTIFICATION PROJECT
Mandatory weekly Instagram reels of every nala. Influencer karega 'sustainable living' content from actual sewer life.
- 0707 · ANTI-LARVA TASKFORCE
Special unit deployed to identify and broom-snipe overnight revolutionaries. Funded by collected gaali tax.
- 0808 · FREE CUTTING CHAI WITH EVERY VOTE
No EVM hacking. Just bribery the desi way — with proper masala and biscuit. Glucose biscuit, not import wala.
- 0909 · AADHAAR LINKED TO YOUR ROAST GAME
Weak roasts? Reduced subsidies. Asli savage? Free electricity. Meritocracy at last.
- 1010 · OFFICIAL BAN ON 'AS A REVOLUTIONARY...' TWEETS
Anyone starting a tweet with 'As a revolutionary...' gets auto-deported to a CJP basement. Permanently.
"Vada nahi, dhamki samjho."
— Signed in chai stain, by every Kachrewala worth their salt.